ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, I'm home. I can't believe it's over.

I don't know. I can't even begin to summarize the past four months. A lot happened. Moreover, a lot happened that I never thought would happen. There were times when I honestly believed I was dreaming, when I questioned whether I was living my own life or someone else's. I know this is cliche to say, but I guess that, in a lot of ways, I was living someone else's life. I'm not the same person as the girl who left on January 10. It's taken coming home for me to truly understand all that's happened this semester. I don't feel the same or act the same or have the same responses as I would have had five months ago.

I have never felt more independent or capable. There were also moments when I had never felt more inelegant or objectified. This experience educated me a lot about Americans and made me grateful to know that I was brought up in an environment which taught me to care about the world instead of just myself. Because, believe me, I met plenty of people who didn't have such luck.

I learned that almost all of the stereotypes about the French are completely true: they're rude, they smell bad, and they love to love (ironic, isn't it?). Perhaps best of all, I learned not to resent them because of this. At first it was so annoying that they were exactly who everyone said they would be, but then I learned to accept they were crazy and moved on. And now I love them and all their crazy quirks. Funny how things work out.

Basically, France proved to me that the shit I worry about is pretty pointless (and that I should be worrying about completely different things...hmmm). I did put plenty of joie in my vivre, but I also put a lot of stress and sadness and, on occassion, anger in it, too. And now it's over and I wouldn't change anything because even the stress and the sadness were worth it. I'd like to think that I'm better for it.

This entry has taken me nearly two weeks to write, probably because I've been home and home has made me feel differently about a lot of things. It's weird when you come back to the place where you've always lived and realize that it's exactly the same. Same house, same parents, same dogs, same friends, same vehicles, same situation. It's comforting for a little while and then it gets scary. I think the scariest thing is that while I usually fall back into the same patterns when I come home, I'm not doing that now. There are new patterns and new emotions. I guess I finally feel like I'm a grown up (or closer to it, anyway). All it took was a little wine, some brie, and several dozen (hundred?) pain au chocolats.

Thanks for the ride, France. I'll never forget it.

I just finished my last final and now I'm a senior in college. It's unfortunate that it went so badly, considering I probably could have done well had I studied more or slept well last night or didn't currently feel terrible. So it is, though. I'm reassured, however, that this is IES and everything will probably be just fine.

But back to the not sleeping thing. I keep waking up in the middle of the night with headaches that I can't do anything about. This has happened to me before, at least several times a year since I started college, but they always seem to come at the most inopportune moments. I was hoping I would avoid them while in France, but I seem to have had no such luck. I don't know if it's stress or the changes in the weather or what. Or maybe it's the anticipation of going home, of leaving this place, of not knowing if I should be happy or sad right now. I'm definitely looking forward to this summer, but I know that the same things that always drive me crazy about being home will continue to drive me crazy, perhaps to an even greater extent. I have spent the last four months being an adult (or maybe becoming an adult) and I don't know how that's going to roll with my parents, who realize that I am capable of taking care of myself, but don't necessarily want me to.

I'll be in Paris until next Saturday, then spend two days in Copenhagen, then return to Paris for three nights before heading back to the US. Two weeks seems like a long time right now, but, judging by how fast the past four months have gone, I know that the next 14 days will fly by.

This isn't over and out, just over for now. I'll post an update or two when I get home on May 25.

Poll: What should I get my host mom as a thanks-for-being-the-coolest-person-ever gift?